Educational Reform

After my work is done I'm going to start a blog about educational reform. Politicians on both sides of the aisle talk about the need for an educational system that truly prepares kids for the workplace.

Delusionally and embarrassingly, they all tend to agree that this means giving kids more tests of their ability to analyze logical statements, solve math problems and bubble in circles with a number two pencil.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Intertubules, I have been to the work-place, and they did not ask me to solve any calculus problems. What they did ask me were a lot of banal questions about the weather, about my weekend, about how long I had been working there, not counting today....

Having a job doesn't start with a timed test in a crowded room and no talking. Having a job starts with a hand-shake and a conversation. You sit down with someone who already has a job and you make friends with them. If they like you, then you get to have a job, too.

Then you spend some time making friends with the other people who have that job, and vaguely, while you're at it, doing something you all agree is "work." If you don't do the work very well, the other people tell you how you're supposed to do it. This is okay. If you stop being friendly, though, and start being mean to everybody there, you won't have a job.

So when I reform our education system, I'm going to help our kids spend more time hanging out. They're going to practice smiling through boring, meaningless meetings. They'll practice answering questions in ways that couldn't possibly offend anybody. They may even go out for pageants.

The students of my reformed educational system won't cure cancer. They won't go to space. Heck, they won't even know how to unclog a drain. But they will know how to succeed in the American workplace. And isn't that our goal?